Saturday, February 9, 2013

Lego Bombs

Lego Bomb: a small piece of plastic that is sharpened to a point, usually by small blunt teeth, left inconspicuously on the floor in a common walk way, waiting for an adult to step on it.  
Results in immediate loss of limb use, excruciating pain, and causes voices to reach octaves not hit since puberty. 

I'm sure I'm not the only person that has suspected but never had proof, that our kids leave Lego bombs on the floor with the express intention of causing their loving parents pain.
I now have proof.

Exhibit A:
3 Lego men with their pointy little hands sticking up in the air, placed strategically in front of the basement stairs, waiting patiently for their first unsuspecting victim.

Exhibit B: 
My hidden camera caught an unidentified child filing those plastic hands into super pointy spears of death.

The child who shall not be named will pay for this dastardly deed.  But now I have it:  
Proof that Lego's really are left on the floor for the express purpose of crippling poor unsuspecting parents.  
Who invented these things anyway? 

Fortunately, I was able to avoid a most certain intense and crippling pain in my foot because I saw these guys laying here.  
The children's plan was foiled. 
This time.
But it has happened to me before.  It has happened to all of us before. The worst happens to be when the Lego blends in with the carpet.  You have no chance against that horrible pointy piece of plastic that somehow manages to find the most sensitive spot on the bottom of your foot. Then what happens when you step on it is that instead of taking a full step like you had planned, the sudden searing pain combined with your body's inertia, forces you to crumble to the ground in a floppy garbled mess, shrieking like a banshee or a stuck pig. 
Meanwhile your children try very hard to suppress their grins and laughter at the greatest victory they can achieve when it comes to inflicting pain on their parents.  

I'd consider fighting back, Lego with Lego, but for some reason children seem to be immune to the horrendous, biting, fierce, sharp, intense, horrible, crippling pain that is caused by stepping on a Lego.
I bet they were invented by a kid. 
And to think, I have actually paid money to bring those things into my home. 
No worries, I've got my own ammunition.
I guess they'll be having liver and onions with a sauerkraut and a squash side dish for dinner next time we get a babysitter. 

Hee, hee, hee.

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